Chasing the Labyrinth

We are staying afloat. Like swimmers new to water bodies, we are hanging by the edge of something that personally makes meaning to each of us. 

Hold on tight. 

Nothing is permanent.

While other people struggle with ADHD, anxiety, and some other dire things, mine has to be change. 

I have a love-hate relationship with the concept of change. I love sticking to my usual routine, but my creative side is never in support of me settling so I sometimes push myself to do spontaneous things. And by spontaneous, I mean doing things impulsively. This makes my entire life seem like chaos sometimes, I have taken life-changing decisions impulsively, and whether I regret them or not will never be known. 

I have two conflicting personalities. I think that is the best way to explain my relationship with change. 

I was selling hair for the longest time and all of a sudden, I stopped 'actively' selling it. It was not as sudden as I made it sound. I was nursing the idea of not being an entrepreneur for almost a year and I finally wore my 'big girl and I don't care pants' which made me gather the courage to stop selling hair. Like any other person, I felt like a failure. 

It ends. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

I'd sit and wonder what next. I love hair but I stopped associating with it.

So, if I can stop what I love nothing can hold me back from stopping what I really do not care a piece about. 

During that period, I considered the idea of creating content, but I was silently struggling with an identity crisis. I did not know who I was or who I wanted to be. I just knew that I liked having fun occasionally and having things to do with my time.  So, content creation was a NO up until over a year later. I still do not exactly know what I am trying to be but one thing I know is that I will form over time. 

Just like a raw egg requires a process to be done and ready for consumption, so do I. An egg would not be boiled unless it gets rinsed of what it used to be and then placed into an element that would sustain its transformation. 

So, yeah. I have been creating content. Not just in written form but also in video content. It makes me happy at the moment. Just like selling hair did. 

Will I go back to hair content and being a vendor? 

Only time will tell. I did not fail at it. I decided to stop. 

I will change my career path as much as I want to if it means I get to explore a world that interests me and makes me happy. 

Invite me to try out new things with you. Sip and paint, jumping fences, riding horses, a picnic, book reading clubs, games, shining torchlight at lovers at night, anything. 

This brings me to the topic of love. 
It is a painful scratch on the mind that leaves a scar on every part of you. A bruise that never heals permanently. 

Everyone seems to be talking about love these days. Takes on how to love, what to love, whom to love, how not to...I do not know. But the opinions on the internet are too overwhelming. 

My roommate introduced me to line arts. >>>

Love is a strange feeling. 
I saw a post saying, "I write more when I am in love or hurt". Then, I realized I never write based on the feelings of love. It becomes a thought I can never describe. You have to be in my head to see the Legos build and break dreams and fantasies. 

Each time I am on the good side of love, I find it very hard to write because I want to totally seep it in without my pen interfering with those feelings. I do this because somewhat, I believe I cannot get enough of it. 

Just like my fingers hover around the red button and hesitate to actually end the call…In that split second, I am trying to hear your breath like it’s going to be the last time. I experience the most intense things that I cannot describe as it seems too strange. I do not get giddy. Rather, my heart freezes and I think of everything that could go wrong and then, finally, I allow myself to 'live in the moment'.

I hate that I am intense in the way I love, even if it is within.

 

I do not know what I want from life. Some months ago, I accepted the reality that marriage might be in the picture for me. However, right now, it’s all mixed feelings. I don't see any of that in me. Sometimes, I believe I am not marriage material. 

I am sorry but I'll doubt you over time, I'll fight you, I'll consider leaving, I'll hurt myself in the process. It's just me.

 

Feelings have always been an unsure and unfamiliar emotion to me.

On some days, I am doing so well. On other days, I want out. On particular days, I want better. On others, I am unconcerned and unbothered. That's just about it.

 

I am scared of attachment, but I've found myself in a commitment.

Moving forward to the people I have an unavoidable lifetime commitment to.

Belonging to good family is underrated. 

Every call I get from a relative is always timely. Like God is trying to show me that I have people He made for me, standing strongly on my side.

Each time I have to mention things I am grateful for; my family will definitely be in the equation.

In as much as they can take my day from a 6 to a 1, they have the utmost ability to take it from a 0 to a 10. 

When school or life hits me, I call my mother, I rant to my brother on snap and jump on a call with my little sister. I might not talk about the depth of the situation; we just tell each other to keep praying for one another.

Why? Because God will eventually make everything soft for us. 

I was on a call with my brother and two of cousins (male and female), last month and they were drilling my head off as to how I am old enough to be in a relationship and how I should not bill them. Man, if you knew. You wan make I dey bill man?

 

I could sit for hours and talk about almost anything with these people. They are like the friends made for me. Just with a sprinkle of frustration and monitoring my life when they have a chance.

Did I mention!? Princess Treatment

I might not have been born with a silver spoon but love from home made up for it, massively.

Occupation: Mummy, I want. 

Like every other teenager, I envisioned the princess treatment I'd receive from my prospective partner. Hold on, not those Cinderella dreams and all but something that was not stuck in the state of illusion.

I used to think princess treatment came with gifts, surprises, loud love, and everything money could get.

Mannnn. Adulthood slapped reality into my face.

Says treat people how you want to be treated but don’t expect to get the same level of treatment from them. T taught me that I should not blame myself for the actions of others towards me. They have control over their actions and if I am treated as such, that’s on them not on me.

Update guys, two decades later and no princess treatment. I just dey try to find my footing in life.

My mum says don't always wait for people to get you what you want. Go for it, Work for it, and Do it yourself.

The kind of self-respect and pride you'd have for and in yourself when you stop relying on who and what is top-notch. Take it from me.

 

Give & take. People.

Fix up!

Apt. 💯

While I understand and I believe that you should give without expectation…However, if you have common sense (forgive my language), this only applies when you're giving to someone in need or a pledge. Even church pledges tell us to expect something in return. But you, Lord/Lady of all times likes to receive yet never give back. How convenient.  

 

There are a lot of things to give people around you. How can you claim someone is your person yet you do not think of them when you see something.

When I see butterfly engraved jewelry, I think of Inioluwa and Tamilore.

When I see simple aesthetics or discover a new podcast, I think of my roommate.

When I see dogs, I think of Peace, my closest male friend from secondary school.

When I see bottles, I think of my little sister and all my other bottles that she has managed to claim which usually ends up broken.

When I see audio content gadgets, I think of Wuraola Olagoke.

All of these, I can attach my people to every single thing they will love because I do know a part of them that they have shown to me.

Now, while all these are in thoughts and maybe a bit of action, envisions financial capacity.

Sometimes, it's not just the thought that matters, even the action to get the most minimal thing would be greatly appreciated.

 

Finally, the one that struck me the most, ADULTSTUNNED. 

Adulthood stuns one into silence.

 

I woke up at 6:00am one Tuesday morning to prepare for my 8:00am class. I could not gather the strength to begin my morning routine so I stayed in bed for another 30 minutes, quietly. I was not thinking at that moment. There were a lot of things to think about but I genuinely did not know where to begin, so I decided to remain blank.

 

An hour after I slept, around 3:00am, I cried right from the state of sleep into reality. I sat up for a minute, wiped my tears, and went back to sleep. This is not the first time that was happening, however that was the first time, it would take a toll on me into the morning.

God’s strongest soldiers? 

You cannot be strong all the time. Sometimes, you just need to sit and let your tears out.

 

I hope you wake up one day not feeling the same heaviness you feel right now.

Everything will be soft.

 

Adulthood makes one busy in a way you will never be able to explain.

 

An old friend called and asked why my presence goes on and off the radar.

I smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, I have been busy".

 

I was busy but not in a way most people would understand.

I was busy trying to stay afloat.

I was busy taking deeper breaths.

I was busy chanting 'Don't cry' to myself.

I was busy swallowing pills to keep going.

I was busy telling myself all will be well.

I was busy staring at the firmament and hoping a hand would pull me out of this state.

Esto también pasará. In a bit, Adelewa.