Life’s Maze

In this journal, dry tears linger. Words do these feelings no justice. 

This road to solitude.

It is alright not to know. 

I hear voices in my head.

You will agree with me when I say it is a struggle 'to not know' when you’ve lived your entire life knowing what next, what meal to eat, what book to read, what course to take, what event to attend, what chore to do, what words to say, what people will be your people, what life to live. 

Even when you did not know any of these things, you had an inkling leading you to what next. 

What happens when all that there is to feel is a total abyss? There is no light or darkness in the tunnel. It’s bland, like the egg roll I bought inside Bodija market. Maybe I should not have risked it and stuck to my usual vendor, but the stomach wants what it wants.

For two decades and a bit more, I had always known what was next or at least had a direction for what was next in almost every aspect of my life. Even when life steers me from that path, I maneuver it.

 

Until recently. I found myself with a lot of “I don’t know”. It's down to the most random stuff, like when Ini asked me what I’d eat after spending my entire day in bed doing nothing. Or when my cousin asked something related to service year about two weeks ago on a long drive and I gave a vague answer while lost in my thoughts as I stared out the passenger window wishing I was the bird that just took off from the tree flying to its safe space. Why can’t I just fly away too? To a place without worry, expectation, pain, fear, or brokenness. Is it too much to ask for? To be a bird whose only worry is building a pretty nest! 

 

I woke up at midnight some days ago and assured myself it was okay not to know.

It’s okay to not know what next. 

The hack is, don’t think about it. At the same time, think about it but in a positive way. 

What would I like to do? What am I doing next or what am I expected to do next. 

 

If taking time off is what I’d like to do, so be it. 

If it’s eating my favorite snack at the moment, so be it. 

If it’s dancing to ‘Oba Atayero by Labisi’, so be it. 

If it’s waking up at 3:00am to drink a cup of hot Cadbury, so be it. 

If it’s applying for a job I sure as heck do not qualify for, so be it. 

If it’s going through the hassle of public transport to keep my mind occupied not because I have a destination, so be it. 

If it’s begging my project to please make itself easy, so be it. 

 

Now. Arewa, what would you like to do? 

Ice cream will heal me. 👉🏽👈🏽

Flowers and Grand gestures. 

God really does have a favorite and I believe I am one of His. I mean, have you heard my name? That’s enough assurance. 

 

I clocked a VERY significant age this year and man, it had to be the most insignificant day. 

GTB even had the guts to debit part of the money I was supposed to use to treat myself on that day. Thankfully, I had other stuff ordered just before the day.  

I’ll be ungrateful if I do not acknowledge my family and a few friends and loved ones who made me feel good the moment I was talking to them. But you know what they say about the devil. How he keeps trying till you succumb. He lived up to that reputation. 

If not, tell me why after GTB did their own bit in the morning, then, the rain started falling heavily mid-afternoon and my MTN network chose to be down for the most part of the day. That was when I gave up, wore nice nightwear, and climbed my bed to sleep. 

 

Since I started this adulting, I have seen people be at the receiving end of grand meaningful gestures. Bet, I had even spent my money on some and planned for others. 

Do you guys get it? So I am definitely not the problem. That part has been established. God’s favorite, remember? 

 

If the mountain will not come to Mohammed, Mohammed must go to the mountain.

That was the motivation behind my ‘palaba’.

Since flowers and grand gestures do not want to come to me, I will go to it. It must happen one way or the other.

So, there I was days after this significant birthday…I reached out to a vendor I had patronized in the past to confirm the price of flowers and some other nice gift “I am just a girl” will want to feel special, loved, and cared for. 

That was all I was doing for myself. No hard feelings. 

With smiles and giddy feelings, I awaited her response as I calculated the money, I had in all of my three bank accounts, including that life-terrorizing GTB account. 

I kept whispering to myself “If I perish, I perish”. I have gaari and sugar, a roll of Golden Morn, half of my Milo refill, 10 noodles, and a liter of kerosene to guide me. We are good. 

It’s like God wanted me to bask in joy for that moment because it took her a while to respond which was unusual. A few hours later, she sent me different pictures and asked me to pick the ones attractive to me then, she’d attach the price. 

I don’t know if it’s just me o but online shopping is sweeter when you don’t have money. 

I went ahead to pick a medium-sized rose bouquet, a pretty small Lilly, and a big bouquet of daises.

By the time she added the price alongside other things I requested, my greed disappeared.

Na me want a rose. Whatever happened to Soko (Spinach) and, Tete? They’re all nature’s gift to earth, yeah? 

To be fair, I could have afforded these things if I had a good-paying job, or the economy was not receding.  

So, that’s how it became a thought of another day. 

I opened my Chowdeck and ordered food instead. As I was eating, I started to feel more like my present self and state of finances. My blood calmed down and my eyes were clear. 

All things bright and beautiful. 

Lately, there has been a looming darkness.

No one seems to have a sincere smile anymore. 

Through your hurt, I see the lingering smile. I love your smile, always and forever. 

This feeling clings to me like a glove worn on the wrist of a bride. The grief of what was, what is, and what could have been. 

Life did not wait for me to sit through my state of being. 

The hardest thing to come to terms with as an adult is the fact that I have to keep showing up no matter how I feel. You have to do it, you have to do it sad, you have to do it numb, you have to do it grieving, you have to do it tired, you have to do it even as the tears are rolling down your eyes. Life does not exactly care. You must show up. The clock is ticking.

The days passed by slowly but steadily. For the first time, I learned to be intentionally calm and to live in the present. I could write the rhythm of each breath I take and the melody of the drizzling rain. 

The beautiful thing about life is one day, the wounds won’t be gaping open, and the heart won’t be as heavy. And you’d carry a piece of everything, every book, every music, every food, and every person you have held dear to you. You’d be able to smile brightly and relish the pain as memories. 

Adulting 

A lot of adults are healing their inner child. 

I spend a lot of time thinking, researching, reading, and talking about adulting. It’s an entirely new phase and a lot different than what the 13-year-old me thought. The transition has been a lot more difficult. 

Do you remember when we thought adulting was all about buying our own groceries, filling up our stores with beverages and provisions of our choice, serving our plates with numerous portions of meat, going to parties, meeting new people, making some cool cash (uncountable million dollars), owning a house and cars, vacation with friends and striving after our dream life? 

Time did tell itself.

Truly, adulting is all of these things but it also involves a ton of workload, emotional baggage, and responsibilities on our shoulders. 

On some days, it is spending an hour in the bathtub crying out your eyes and praying to God for an intervention. 

It is waking up at midnight and spending the wee hours of the morning staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what’s next. 

It is going to bed on an empty stomach, a broken heart, and a bottle of Smirnoff or vodka to keep you company. 

It is using an extra amount of concealer to hide the puffs beneath your eyes. 

It is your chest beating hoping your friends buy the lies you feed them. All so they don’t worry too much. 

Adulting is growing apart from the friends you built a long-term dream with. 

Most importantly, it is doing nothing and feeling guilty for doing nothing yet, you do nothing. Not because you do not want to but because you cannot. That does break my heart a little bit. 

All in all, I hope we all find peace in the highs and lows of adulting. 

Random. 

The soul knows when it’s time.

Yesterday is heavy, put it down. 

There will be a day when the cup becomes empty. 

The trauma will always be there. Don’t run. 

A broken glass glued together. 

Leveling up, looking good, loving me, letting things be. 

Moments become memories and people become lessons. 

Listen to the language my silence speaks.

Rediscover, Learn, Relearn, and Unlearn. 

And one day, home stopped being home. 

Open wound October. 

I can hear voices. 

In the end, promises are only words. 

When the light goes off, I’ll dance for you. 

Not everything has to be figured out. 

Breathe, the world is full of chaos. 

I want to be a butterfly for Christmas. 

The storms in my head. 

The flowers are blooming. 

Hold my hands tighter, I’m slipping. 

It’s quiet, yet again.