Death is final.
This statement has lingered in my head for over 10 years.
As a child, at first, I did not understand what death meant. After I knew, I struggled to accept it. I sat outside each night under the dark sky for a very long time, hoping for the stars to come out. I hear the phone ring and my eyes immediately trace the receiver, he would pick it up, talk in hushed tones, and leave ear reach. After a few minutes, he would walk back with a false smile, pat my back, and tell me to go eat. I’d sit in front of my meals and wonder how I could stomach it when I could feel my insides churning from the fear of the unknown.
Gradually, each day passes and people become lesser.
Everyone falls back to their routine, slightly forgotten about the deceased, and only remembering at passing moments. Finally, you are left to fully process the death of someone you love.
This is when the burial begins.
You spend quiet nights listening to your loud and silent tears, your choked sobs, the anguishing pain cracking your bones, your heavy sigh into the midnight. These go on while you are desperately struggling to hold on to life. You sometimes wonder where life would have taken you if your paths never crossed. You wallow in self-pity and grief. At times, you hear your heart crack loudly and break a million times, over and over again. Other times, you forcefully blink your tears away so you can present a strong face to the public. They’d commend you for your strength and urge you to keep going. Whereas you are at the edge of ending it all. You are barely holding on.
One night, you decide to live again. Maybe then, all these pains will ease you. You delude yourself into thinking you will be able to breathe peacefully again. You dress up and hit the club. Entering into that rowdy location, you instinctively seek out the one you love. Finding nothing familiar, you sigh. Then, remind yourself, of the reason you are there. It goes on for a while and as a slow grinding music comes to life, you vividly remember how your bodies ground against each other to that beat and how you have never felt more alive. All of a sudden, you feel alone and exposed to the world. You trip your way down to the bar and grab a stool to sit. An opposite gender walks up and offers to buy you drinks. You accept at first, but after a few minutes, you realize it does not feel right so you leave after a measly apology.
Suddenly life rushes at you and time flies faster than you realize.
While you still tear up at the thought of the one you love, it is easier to breathe. Your heart aches more on days you are free, so you try to fill your days. The void left by the one you love is too deep that even numerous works cannot fill up. Remember, you are fighting this battle alone.
A year passes, two years, and a couple of months.
It seems a bit more bearable.
You get home one sunny afternoon, sit on the floor, and break down. It hits you then that you will never see the one you love again, you will never get to see their smile, you will never brush their arms against you while passing, you will never get to sit on their lap, you will never share your favorite meal with them, you will never steal pasta from their plate, you will never get to hug them one last time. It dawns on you that it is finally over.
Never say never but this is never.
This is acceptance.
At night, the clouds get darker, and the atmosphere gets extra windy as thunders echo from the sky. It becomes a visual representation of how heavy you are within. You cry harder until you are too exhausted to make a sound.
Then, you lay on your bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.
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