The quiet damage no one sees.

Where are the words?

I've sat with an empty page for far too long. My pen hovers. My thoughts scatter. The longer I wait, the louder the page becomes, mocking me with its silence.

Sometimes, it's not that blank space that scares me. It's the blank space ahead in life.

Not because I don't have dreams, not because I haven't tried, but because the next step is a little unpredictable. 

It is how you start a new business, try something different, take an unfamiliar turn and then life suddenly reminds you how unpredictable it is. You run at a loss, your phone gets damaged, and a bill appears out of nowhere. The plan begins to dissolve right before it begins. 

Where is your faith, Arewa? 
Hebrews 11:1 The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

In God's time, not mine.

Does this feel familiar?

You’ve tried...truly tried. A new skill. A side hustle. Another attempt at becoming. Yet somehow, progress feels circular, like a stumble in circles.

Where are the tears? 

I've not had a good cry in a while. 

I fear that if I start, I might not stop. And this time around, I have no strength left in me to wipe these tears.  

Over a decade later, I had my first big celebration without him in the picture.  

On some days, I've got my act together. Too often, I find myself doom-scrolling as a mechanism to not dip into a ditch I've spent the past year running from. 

Will it ever be okay?

"I am okay", a verse in my song. 

I have mastered to perfection a calm face and voice that reassures everyone and sometimes, myself, that I am fine. 

Or maybe we chose not to look beyond the surface or read between the lines. 

Life is busy, I don't want to, either. 

Night used to be my safest hour.
It held space for whatever the day had taken from me...tears I didn’t have to explain, or long calls where I told you everything and nothing at once.

Where is the silence?

There is a noise that exists in my mind. It doesn't come in all at once; it trickles in. 

It sits with me at the edge of my bed when I wake up. 

Steadily follows me through the day.

And when it's night, it settles in at the corner of the room. 

It sounds like a reminder of who I should be by now. A streak of unanswered questions, unfinished plans, dreams without directions and a version of myself I am yet to meet.

A spectator in my head.

Do you hear them? 

Some scream urgency. Others waltz in, softly, a bit sadder and disappointed. 

The hardest pill to swallow is accepting that this noise is built from the things we care about. From wanting a bit more, trying a little harder and hoping life one day aligns in our favour. 

I no longer fight the noise with distractions.
I sit with it. 
In dark rooms.
In quiet car rides.
In moments where I would usually reach for voices to pull me away from myself.

Where are the actions?

There are days I know what to do. I have a long list waiting to be ticked, reminders ringing out loud, deadlines slowly counting, but my brain freezes up.

Certain questions float around us like ghosts lurking at night. 

"What if I fail? What if I'm wrong? What if I'm not ready? What if it doesn't work out?"

Out of nowhere, the smallest action seems impossible. 

"Just do it."

Easier said than done. 

There will be a random night when you don't know what's happening in your life. You don't want to talk about it. You're unable to cry about it. You'll have no idea what your next course of action is. It is important you sit through that phase.

In the long run, you'd come to realise that walking through the wrong door was way better than staying in the wrong room. 

P.S.

I love reading good stories. Life working out for someone, Finances levelling up, someone finally healing, The right kind of love...They tear me up and leave me overwhelmed and genuinely happy for the characters.

I am proud of you all for holding it so well. I look forward to your stories.