The quiet damage no one sees.

Where are the words?

I've sat with an empty page for far too long. My pen hovers. My thoughts scatter. The longer I wait, the louder the page becomes, mocking me with its silence.

Sometimes, it's not that blank space that scares me. It's the blank space ahead in life.

Not because I don't have dreams, not because I haven't tried, but because the next step is a little unpredictable. 

It is how you start a new business, try something different, take an unfamiliar turn and then life suddenly reminds you how unpredictable it is. You run at a loss, your phone gets damaged, and a bill appears out of nowhere. The plan begins to dissolve right before it begins. 

Where is your faith, Arewa? 
Hebrews 11:1 The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

In God's time, not mine.

Does this feel familiar?

You’ve tried...truly tried. A new skill. A side hustle. Another attempt at becoming. Yet somehow, progress feels circular, like a stumble in circles.

Where are the tears? 

I've not had a good cry in a while. 

I fear that if I start, I might not stop. And this time around, I have no strength left in me to wipe these tears.  

Over a decade later, I had my first big celebration without him in the picture.  

On some days, I've got my act together. Too often, I find myself doom-scrolling as a mechanism to not dip into a ditch I've spent the past year running from. 

Will it ever be okay?

"I am okay", a verse in my song. 

I have mastered to perfection a calm face and voice that reassures everyone and sometimes, myself, that I am fine. 

Or maybe we chose not to look beyond the surface or read between the lines. 

Life is busy, I don't want to, either. 

Night used to be my safest hour.
It held space for whatever the day had taken from me...tears I didn’t have to explain, or long calls where I told you everything and nothing at once.

Where is the silence?

There is a noise that exists in my mind. It doesn't come in all at once; it trickles in. 

It sits with me at the edge of my bed when I wake up. 

Steadily follows me through the day.

And when it's night, it settles in at the corner of the room. 

It sounds like a reminder of who I should be by now. A streak of unanswered questions, unfinished plans, dreams without directions and a version of myself I am yet to meet.

A spectator in my head.

Do you hear them? 

Some scream urgency. Others waltz in, softly, a bit sadder and disappointed. 

The hardest pill to swallow is accepting that this noise is built from the things we care about. From wanting a bit more, trying a little harder and hoping life one day aligns in our favour. 

I no longer fight the noise with distractions.
I sit with it. 
In dark rooms.
In quiet car rides.
In moments where I would usually reach for voices to pull me away from myself.

Where are the actions?

There are days I know what to do. I have a long list waiting to be ticked, reminders ringing out loud, deadlines slowly counting, but my brain freezes up.

Certain questions float around us like ghosts lurking at night. 

"What if I fail? What if I'm wrong? What if I'm not ready? What if it doesn't work out?"

Out of nowhere, the smallest action seems impossible. 

"Just do it."

Easier said than done. 

There will be a random night when you don't know what's happening in your life. You don't want to talk about it. You're unable to cry about it. You'll have no idea what your next course of action is. It is important you sit through that phase.

In the long run, you'd come to realise that walking through the wrong door was way better than staying in the wrong room. 

P.S.

I love reading good stories. Life working out for someone, Finances levelling up, someone finally healing, The right kind of love...They tear me up and leave me overwhelmed and genuinely happy for the characters.

I am proud of you all for holding it so well. I look forward to your stories.

C'est la vie

With a soft smile.

Que sera sera

I met with my younger self.

She smiled a little, this time. Stepped out of her shell and let me in. I saw the darkness surrounding her crib and the scars on the side of her thumb. I urged her to sit and talk. Instead, she sat silently with thoughts swimming over her head. 

My heart ached from the loneliness, pain, fear, grief and heaviness I felt from her. 

Might her mouth be too heavy to deal with all she was forced to feel?

After a while of sitting in total silence, she smiled at me, and all I could see was pride with a hint of fear. "How are we doing?" she asked. 

Sigh. "We are breathing, showing up and keeping it moving."

Joy

Life, passing us by in a quiet but mean way.

"What brings you joy?"

My therapist asked a couple of days ago. 

So, it did hit me on a random September evening how the joy in life has to be intentional. We spend years chasing and achieving, and, in a way, after hitting a major milestone, all we feel is relief and gratitude, not joy. 

We say, we are waiting to heal, to have enough, to be in a better place, to cross another milestone in order to get the ball rolling on immense joy. 

But for how long? 

In a bid to answer, it dawned on me. I am not broken, I am not healed, I am not lost, I am not where I want to be, I am not sad, but I am not happy either. 

I wake up and show up, but deep down, it feels like I am only a spectator in my own life. 

Is this what growing up is supposed to feel like? 

And this is the hard truth.

If you wait until you feel better to start living, you might be waiting forever. Live. Do it sad. Do it anxious. Do it unsure. Do it unprepared. Because sometimes, it is the experience that heals you. 

Ti Oluwa

This is Yah's baby.

Three months ago, the bus driver lost control of the bus and got so close to getting under a trailer. 
Two months ago, a car brushed my palms as opposed to running into me while I crossed the expressway. 
Two weeks ago, the vehicle I was in faced a trailer head-on. And we all went silent for a minute. 
So, it hit me how life can change again in a second. 

And this is only a fraction of what I can share. 

Stormy Skies 

Exhausted in every way.

I don't cry anymore. 

I used to be able to express my feelings with tears because they reminded me that I still had the strength to feel. 

Lately, I exhaust myself so much that I fall asleep as I get to my bed. I avoid the weight of silence, which reminds me of the echoes of emptiness in my laughter. 

This is the quiet kind of numbness, the one that cannot be seen, heard or spoken about. It just sits in the room. 

Have you ever needed to cry but were unable to?
It was all just heavy, so you just breathed and kept breathing. 

In aeternum, te amo. 

Anagapesis, where art thou?

Some people waltz into your life and leave a mark that even time cannot erase. No amount of distance, hurt, pain, or healing can soften the itch. 

So, you simply leave them be in your heart. And quietly hope that one day, you wake up and the thought of them doesn’t make your chest ache this much. 

The most painful part? They exist, but no longer for you. 

I discovered a warm song...Till I write to you again. ❤

BECOMING

This is my truth in the most unfiltered way. 

You might call it survival, but I call it BECOMING.

Some absence shapes us more than presence could ever.

Miracles. 

I believe in the unusual. I believe in God. My entire existence, right from birth till now, is a miracle. 

So, I randomly say I am a living miracle. Because that’s exactly what I am. 

In my prayers to God, I sometimes get lost.

If I were asked to share something that God has done for me and has left me in awe of His Glory, 365 days won’t suffice.

Path.

Years later, for the first time ever, I can say, I am proud of how far I've come. 

The journey has not been smooth but one thing for sure? I’ll keep going for as long as I can. 

Chances.

I’ve been hurt. Multiple times by my persons. 

I try for people, too. Gave more chances than they deserved, held on even when it hurt. 

But this one time, I couldn't give a second chance. 

Not because I knew 'never to say never'.

I’ve done a lot of self-reflection over the past few months, and while I take my own share of blame, I realise that we are all just human beings living our first lives and should be given second, third, and sometimes, fourth chances. 

Life is unpredictable. 

You book a flight, and it never lands. 

You visit the hospital, and you never walk out. 

You attend a party, and it turns into chaos. 

You sleep at night, and that's Rest in Peace. 

In only one second, everything changes.

This is me loving harder and forgiving faster.

Breathe

In the middle of the night, just before I crash, I reach for my phone to text you. 

Then my hand freezes over it, I remember, the version of you that existed was only a map to a destination I’ll never arrive.

So, I lay in bed, staring into the dark with my phone by my side, taken aback by the peculiarities of life. 🤍

Do we have spirit animals?🤔

Sometimes, love demands to be left. Like it did with me. 

If you ask me if I am looking for love, I'll tell you no. 

Love is for those who have finished eating, and I still have my plates full.

At the same time, I am experiencing enough love from my family and friends. Love resides here.

I’ve become too familiar with silence.

Ina (Light)

Last year, in one of my classes, we were asked to write about our greatest fear in life. 

I didn’t write death; I’ve had firsthand experiences with it. 

I didn’t write sickness; I’ve been that close. 

I didn’t write poverty; God will supply all my needs according to His riches in Glory. 

Instead, I wrote “To be ordinary.” 

I woke up at midnight few weeks ago and the fear crippled in, again. 

I don’t want to live an ordinary life. I want to live a spontaneous life. 

I want to get a degree in a course I enjoy. 

I want to work in a field that inspires me. 

I want to ride the train at 8:00am to another city and return by 4:00pm. 

I want to order coffee and dump it halfway because it was too bitter. 

I want to plan great trips and birthdays for my friends. 

I want to attend lots of weddings and feel the joy of couples. 

I want to listen to my friends tell me about their partners while I fawn and bless their souls. 

I want to travel to countries and try new dishes despite my sensitive stomach. 

I want to speak French fluently. 

I want to experience Greek culture in person. 

I want too many things to settle for an ordinary life.  

Shades of different colours. 

It's been grey for quite a while. 

I don’t have everything entirely figured out, just yet. Perhaps, I never will. 

Maybe because life is not meant for me to figure out, but to live through it, and that I am learning to do. 

DOLOR

And on nights like this, I stay up watching the sky get lighter. 

Listening to crickets and whispers of the breeze. I try to pick up your voice. Slowly, I forget what you sound like. 

On some days, I stare hard at your pictures to keep your face etched in my memories. 

I hold the last of your fabric to my nose and hope to get a last whiff of you. 

And most times, it feels like you are fading.

Like a stab to your heart with so much bleeding, but the knife remains in place...It feels urgent, like they should get the knife out, but you know that will destroy you…on the other hand, you know the longer the knife stays in, the harder the pain hits and the dangerous it gets. 

People brush by. They try to help. In their own way. 

They twist the knife, and after unsuccessful attempts, they walk away. 

Some come, they try to stop the bleeding, but they walk away too, leaving a lot more trail of blood following them. 

And just a few, only a person or two, come along and hold your hands. They directly relate to the pain. So, they hold your hands while you bleed together. 

Your pains are different, so you just hold each other's hands, bleed, but don't acknowledge it. 

That’s what it feels like, for me. An unending cycle.

And for a minute or more, I feel a lot less numb. 

What do you do when you're fading, like summer leaving for the winter to come? 

AMOR

I am in love.

I am in love with this version of me. The me who has priorities, the me who walks away from what no longer serves her, the me who is protecting her inner child, the me who guards her heart diligently, the me who take actions, the me who spends a weekend in bed binge-watching series, the me who laughs at a good meme, the me who sits in silence, the me who procrastinate knowing she’d suffer for it later, the me who makes big girl decisions.

I am in love, with, all of me.

This is the woman I am becoming. 

Key to the truth

The beauty that exists in silence.

Source: Pinterest

Unlike any other thing, silence holds the key to the truth. 

Why? You may ask. That is the only time we permit ourselves to be true to ourselves. How do I know this?

In the last few months, I’ve spent more time sitting in the silence of my room than outside. It was here I could unravel the mysteries that life threw at me. I could be frank with myself without fear or filters. I could spend hours sitting in my tears and accepting that life isn’t paradise. 

Silence would shape you, they say. 

What silence did to me was to accept the truth of my reality. It is easy to fall into a lie of delusion, hope and yearning. However, what does your heart speak to you when the world goes silent? 

I spend nights standing on my balcony, watching the empty sky. Other nights, the stars would twinkle and I’d assume my lost loved ones were smiling down at me. 

In all, the common thing that existed on those nights was the silence that accompanied it. 

Life will force you to move from being filled with noise and people to learning how to be satisfied in the silence of your existence. To do, to sit, to think, to act. And you’ll learn it like it’s another new skill. 

The noise you once hated would become a luxury you long for. 

You’re okay but you’re not.

Perhaps, a sigh?

In the end, you’ve got you.

On this train, we have destinations.

Till death do us part?

I read a book that taught me how to sit with my mind. But books don’t always tell us that silence gives the answers you spend years searching for in the distractions of life. 

You have to experience silence to arrive at your truth.

 

Often times, we lie to ourselves. We feed ourselves from the platter of delusion. But when the night is silent and all we can hear is the soft breeze and the rustling of the leaves, the truth sits with us. 

What is your truth?

A token waiting to be used.

How time flies. I know, too cliché. 

This love letter of mine.

When I write on this blog, I show you, my readers, the side of me that verbal expressions would never be able to comprehend. My ink tells the stories as it is in my heart and brain. Here feels so much like home. I would not have it any other way.  

Let go.

You would not know if you did not try. Even if everybody is doing it, do yours with a spice of your personality sprinkled into it, that is what makes you stand out. 

Every time I set out to do something new or go back to an old skill, the first thing that subconsciously pops into my head is "What will others think?" 

Why is this so? Why does the opinion of the second or third party have to cloud my judgment? 

I had to learn to be cautious of my thoughts when fresh ideas or the urge to try something else swims along the ocean in my brain. 

The first thing that should come to your mind before you take a step towards something that concerns your life or existence, is "Do I want this?" 

Very often, the response to that question will be "yes" despite the fear settling at the back of your mind or your deep concern of "what ifs". 

So why not let go of these concerns and do them. People will always have something to say, so give them something to say. They cannot make or mar you, only God can. 

Let go and take a step of faith. 

Grief 

I carry the stench for years, each year, there's a loss that adds to it. I am hell-bent on not letting that happen this year. God is handling that trajectory. Whatever leaves or walks away this year is because it was not meant for me so it would not hurt me. 

All the love I could not give. 

I still wake up with tears rolling down my eyes. 

I sometimes end the night with intense yearning.

I still struggle to talk about you with those who never knew you.

Each of my writings has a bit of you in it. That is the love you didn't get to receive completely. 

If you can, love wholly. Give all the love you can give while the times are good.

Live and love. 

Current Season

Somewhere between giving up and seeing how much I can handle.

Little Love Moments

My pretty little family ends every call with "I love you". 

My mum says "Come home" when the going gets tough.

My sister says "I'll pray for you" once I waver. 

My brother says "I've sorted the bills" once I drop a text.

My dad said, "Sit on my lap...". Now and forever. 

My friends say, "You can always talk to me".

My editor says, "I'll work on it". 

My supervisor wished me good luck in my final exams. 

I drink hot coffee twice at midnight after starving myself all day due to laziness. 

I eat cold meat and chicken from the freezer. 

I enjoy writing with dark-inked pens.

I ate Ewa Agoyin. 

What are your little love moments? 

Today ends now

Enjoy the moments. 

I read a piece of writing that explained how we can never get a moment ever again and how it transpires into a memory.

8 years ago, I and my siblings were living together and seeing each other every day. Today, we go months without physical contact. We are all growing in different paths. 

I have not seen my old friends in years. My uni friends are moving away. Everyone is taking steps.  

The branches are rooted towards the different directions of their lives.

The worry of tomorrow will steal the joy of today.

I used to be a big worrier however I have been working on it. When you worry about the littlest things, you find yourself worrying about the greater things like financial responsibilities, life opportunities and whatnot. And the string of worries keeps growing longer with each passing day. 

So, I have left worrying about who owns life, God. 

This is not to say I do not have any worries. I am human, after all. It's just that I have gotten to that point in my life where I meet who I hand it over to every morning. So, every other bit is what my flesh cannot help. 

Don’t lose your wonder in the now by worrying about the next. 

Annual Thanksgiving

Today makes it a year since I published my first blog writing, here. I am going to celebrate this big Win with another post and then treat myself immediately after my exams. 

It is such a beautiful thing to see my stats rise and get DMs about my blogs. You see me the way I want to see you. I get to write your feelings into words. 

Year 1, explore writing personal blogs. Done and on it. 

Year 2, go the extra mile.

Dearest Readers, you've come this far, you should stay to see what unfolds in this next season.